20. “Ugghh… You Just Don’t Understand”
That’s not an excuse for doing insane and illogical stuff. “Because you just do” or “That’s just how it is” is not an explanation. We do something that annoys you, and we have to give you chapter and verse of exactly why we do that along with a ledger of every time it happened and the reason. Point out something insane you do, and it’s “Because you just don’t get it” and we’re supposed to be okay with that?
It most certainly is not fine, and if you want to prevent us from angering you over this again, maybe spit it out? If you don’t want to do something, don’t agree to it (this is not fuel for a future argument). When we have a problem, we tell you — it’s respectful. You’re not fine, this isn’t fine, it’s not fine. Stop saying “fine” when it’s about anything other than a parking violation. It’s not fine!
18. “Oh, I’ll show you crazy”
Saying that is more than likely some variety of crime. Somewhere. Probably. It has to be.
We already know what crazy looks like. You. Right now. We don’t want to see more psycho, thank you. We’re good with the display of crazy you’re giving us right now. ‘Preciate it.
17. “I have nothing to wear”
You have a closet the size of Dodger Stadium and enough clothes to cover the surface of Pluto in leggings. Go back in there and pick something out. We all know you do this so we’ll give you our credit card and a ride to Nordstrom Rack. Stop doing that.
16. “Anywhere, I don’t care……. No, I don’t want to eat there.”
Just name a place you want to eat! Anywhere! You obviously care where we eat, or you wouldn’t have just vetoed three choices. Name. A. Restaurant. Literally anywhere. We’ll eat at freakin Arby’s if we have to, just name a place you want to eat!
15. “Is Lauren going to be there?”
I don’t know… maybe? No? I have no idea, ask Lauren. Who cares if she’s there, anyway? There’s going to be a lot of people in any public space, I have no idea if that one girl I dated for three months in 2009 is going to be there. Pretty sure it’ll be fine.
14. “How much longer is left in this game?”
There is a clock on the screen that gives you an exact answer to that question (unless it’s soccer, in which case you have somewhat of a point.) When is the game over? When it’s over — that’s when it’s over. We sat through The Bachelorette, the Duggars, two showings of The Notebook, and Cupcake Wars. This is actually something important, and you can just let us have it.
13. “Why don’t you just go have sex with Amy Schumer, then…”
First of all, we don’t even have Amy Schumer’s phone number. She also doesn’t have sex with guys just because they follow her on Twitter (Dear Amy, if you do…hey, girl) Second of all, if we wanted to have sex with Amy Schumer, we’d be with Amy Schumer. We’re with you. Third of all, why don’t you just go have sex with Ryan Gosling? Huh? Why don’t you?
12. “But it was on sale.”
$400 is $400, no matter how big the number in front of “% off” was. When it’s our credit card being swiped, we don’t care what it would have cost — just what it costs right now. Using a sale to justify a huge purchase makes as much sense as telling the judge to go lightly on a murderer because of how many people he could have killed but didn’t.
11. “It’s cute but I don’t know when I’d ever wear it.”
This is code for “You never take me nice places.” Fine, we get the point, we never take you anywhere nice. Know what’s not going to get us to take you nice places? Insulting us. Maybe that’s why we don’t go nice places.
10. “Can I drive your truck?”
9. “5 more minutes. I’m just doing my hair.”
We. Are. Going. To. Be. Late.
You knew we had to leave at 6, and it takes you an hour and a half to get ready. Start getting ready earlier! We know it takes you a while to get done up… that’s fine. Have some respect and correct for your prep time.
8. “Just like that time when you said….”
Why do you have to bring up old stuff? We’re arguing right now. Not four years ago. There’s no reason to bring up something we said before the last Olympics and has nothing to do with right now.
7. “I shouldn’t have to tell you.”
Yeah, actually that’s how this works. You tell us something you want/don’t want, need/don’t need, want us to remember, thought, saw, or any other concept that needs communicating — and then we know. Unless you’re dating someone who majored in mind reading at Hogwarts — you’re going to need to speak up.
6. “OMG did I tell you what Kelsi said the other day?”
No. You did not tell us what Kelsi said. Want to know why we just sighed and rolled our eyes? Because we’re about to hear a 25 minute story about one sentence, complete with back stories about every single involved party, and running analysis. We don’t care who Kelsi is, what she said, or who she thinks she is. You need to call Lindsey with this mess, she probably cares.
5. “How come you never do stuff like that for me?”
Maybe because this is real life and not one of those crappy books you read? Because in real life if we tried to kiss you in the rain, you’d complain that your Kate Spade bag was getting all wet, and then we’d have to watch you shiver and dry for two hours. We can’t organize Grand Central Station flash mobs, because that kind of thing takes weeks to set up. How come you don’t do the same stuff we see Mia Khalifa do in her movies?
4. “No, I don’t do that. that’s gross.”
No, of course you don’t. Because that’s insane, right? We’ll go ahead and take that responsibility over. You just lay back and enjoy it, we’re okay. Why would we enjoy you doing to us the exact equivalent of what you’re enjoying so much? That’s insane… we’d never enjoy something like that… that exact thing we’re doing to you. Of course not.
3. “That waitress was SO flirting with you…”
There’s absolutely no possible way she was being nice because she thought her tip would go up. No way of that ever happening. Nope, she’s randomly flirting with a guy who’s girlfriend is literally right in front of him. Because everyone wants your man, right? The man you just got done lecturing about what a slob he is and how he’ll never get his act together. Funny how that works.
2. “You take up too much of the bed”
The hell we take up too much of the bed. Maybe if you weren’t trying to make snow angels in your sleep and treating your three Pomeranians like sister wives… you’d find there’s plenty of room. We spend the night in the same 7-8 inch section of bed while you sprawl. Too much of the bed… get out of here with that mess.
1. “What are you thinking about?”
Two problems here. First, why do you want to know so badly? If it’s important, we’d probably say “Hey, y’know what I was thinking?” See, that’s because we don’t hold things in and cover it up with “fine.” Secondly… since when is “Literally nothing” not an acceptable answer? Sometimes we just drift off and ponder the merits of the Nickel Defense, or where stuff goes when we put it in the garbage disposal. Other times, we are actually just spaced out and not thinking about a single thing. Try it some time… it’s awesome.
(refer to #7 ”I shouldn’t have to tell you” and see the hypocrisy in your statement)